Wine Making Jokes

Men are like a fine wine.
They begin as Grapes
and it’s up to women
to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

“Burgundy makes you think of silly things,
Bordeaux makes you talk of them
and Champagne…
makes you do them.”

A woman and a man were involved in a bad car accident. Both cars were totalled, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unharmed. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “Oh yes! I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!”
The woman continued … ” and look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely ruined, but look at this bottle of wine that did not even break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
So she hands the bottle to the man. The man opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to her.
She takes the bottle and puts the cap back on, handing it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No thanks. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
A woman’s best friend..
A real man is a woman’s best friend.
He will reassure & comfort her. He will inspire her to do new things; to live without fear & regret.
He will enable her to express her emotions & give in to her desires.
He will be sure she feels as she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy and invincible.
No wait, sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.

Wine Making, Post Office Style.
Now that wine making is becoming a popular hobby, I offer my secret recipe for “Post Office Red”.
You simply mail yourself ten pounds of grapes in a container marked “Fragile”.

Four brewery presidents walk into a bar in Chicago.

Carlos Fernandez from Corona sits down and says, “Hey, Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender gives it to him.

Then August Busch says he wants the best beer in the world. “Give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

Pete Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors.” He gets it.

Then Greg Hall, the owner of Goose Island Brewery, sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Honkers Ale?”

Greg replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

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